Are You Sure You Want to Erase Everything?
Deleting the wrong phone, points of levity, quirky affirmations, & the ICAD challenge.
“The true alchemists do not change lead into gold; they change the world into words.” ― William H. Gass, A Temple of Texts
Happy Sunday!
I like it that I give you that exclamation point. It hints at a winning positivity, right?
Think before you speak. This classic wisdom is nestled somewhere alongside look before you leap.
There are times when we should say nothing, times when we know that if we speak, we will regret the words. There are times when, no matter how hard we are trying to keep all our edges intact, we know that letting a word out would release a floodgate, a tidal wave that would knock everyone down in its path.
There are times when we know, too, that there is a leak somewhere, that words have seeped and are seeping, pooling along the floor, climbing like ivy, words that sometimes have teeth, words that bite or sting.
Sometimes the pools are reflective, too. Sometimes there are ripples of beauty, iridescence, shadows of turtles and koi just beneath the surface.
I'm not feeling overly trustful this week.
I tripped over the phrase negativity bias this week, and I stubbed my toe, scraped my knee.
It has been a week with many scattered points.
Here are a few of the dots. There is levity, don’t worry:
1. Wrong phone
I recently, finally, gave in and replaced my phone. It was necessary, but even so, it is something I debated for more than a year, until there just was no alternative. I used the new phone for two weeks to make sure it worked before getting ready to erase my old phone to send it back for the few pennies of credit they might give me.
I was sitting at the table where I work. I had the pre-printed directions out. I pulled up additional online directions to safeguard the steps. I wanted to make very sure I didn’t leave a trace of my life on the phone.
I very, very carefully followed the directions. step-by-step, to turn off all of the things that needed to be turned off, to disconnect accounts, to remove tracking, to render it impossible to find me, to delete certain apps and change certain settings, and then, finally, completely erase and reset the phone.
I took a deep breath as I pressed the final confirmation to erase all contents.
(It is so hard for me to delete all those photos, thousands of photos, even knowing they have been transferred. There is a reason all other old phones, including my last one, which I used duct-taped together for months, are still in drawers scattered around the house. We never manage, for one reason or another, to go through this final step, to erase everything, to make sure the phone is safe to be discarded. I hesitate to turn any of them on again. In one case, I know that’s not possible. I have envisioned taking a hammer to these old phones, but I wonder about the risk of the batteries exploding. I think all the old electronics will die with me. This includes a box of old laptops, all with data, none of which I would be able to turn on now. Where are the plugs? What were the passwords?)
Why is divestiture so hard?
With this new phone, I was doing the deed. As tempted as I was to just keep the phone, like all the phones before, I decided to send it in and accept the pennies. It helped justify the replacement.
I pressed the final confirmation to erase everything. The progress bar churned for just a few seconds and then slid to completion.
“Hello,” said the phone, writing the letters across the screen.
In that moment as I picked up the phone and felt its weight in my hand, I realized what I had done.
After my two weeks of testing and setting up and ensuring I had passwords and apps logged in, I had carefully and meticulously erased the wrong phone.
For the next two hours, I let the phones sync. I lost things from the two weeks of living with the new phone, but at least the transfer option worked a second time. Once the sync was complete, I remembered that special moment of confirming the deletion of the e-sim.
I had no connectivity, no ability to call out on either phone.
There was a whole lot of ranting. It may, really, have been one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done. (I am a very tech-oriented person.) I can’t even explain how it happened.
My frantic troubleshooting suggested my problem was too extensive for online help with the carrier. The troubleshooter didn’t just push through a new e-sim. It said I wasn’t eligible for that. It said I had to call.
I had to call.
I had two phones in front of me, neither of which had cellular connectivity.
There is no house phone. I knew the hospital might call.
There really was a whole lot of ranting.
Swallowing my pride, I explained, “I did something really dumb.”
I’m probably not the first.
Running out of time now to claim my pennies, I deleted the old phone yesterday. I left the new one sitting across the room, just in case.
2. Goodbye Walking Dead
I finished my very long watch of The Walking Dead, all 11 seasons. Despite being incredibly gory, it has been good company over the last many weeks. I am really sorry it is over, but as I approached the final shows, I couldn’t figure out how they were going to wrap things up. What ending could there really be that would be satisfying? I’m not sure that I really liked the ending, but I also can appreciate the final “we’re starting over, and we go on” sensibility. It seems the only reasonable ending in a post-apocalyptic world.
“We’re the ones who live” is the chant through the final scenes. “We’re the ones who live.”
In my week, in the days of this week, in my reality sitting home, again and again, never knowing if “this” is the time, “this” the day, the words of that final show washed over me and almost took me down. “We’re the ones who live.”
So much is random.
3. Levity
I learned some new words this week. I Googled many things. I got one word wrong, the name of a medication, and it entertains me every time I think about the mishearing. I heard something whimsical. I should know by now that most medications are not whimsically named. We take our levity where we can.
I am grateful that we laugh.
4. In a hurry
We laughed with a doctor who assured us he had seen the procedure he was doing on TV at some point, a simple line he’s probably used a hundred times. We joked that he might have watched it at 2x speed.
I laughed at having heard a story just over the weekend about a student who had come for tutoring and explained that he didn’t attend any of the in-person classes, but he watches the taped lectures. He watches them all at 2x speed. The tutor laughed and told him, “Dude…. He already talks at 2x, so you’re getting the information at 4x. That may be part of the problem.”
Things are often so obvious from the outside, right?
5. Dragons in the window
There were colored pencil sets in the window of the gift shop at the hospital. I’ve never been in the gift shop. I wouldn’t go in even if it was open, but it is almost always closed on my way out. I’ve walked into this building countless times in the last year (many of you have only known me in this span of time) and never even really noticed that window from the outside. But this week as I was walking in, a row of stuffed red dragons caught my eye. I stopped to take a photo, and then, to the side, saw the set of colored pencils. Looking at the photo later, I saw there is also a portable easel in a box. What a wonderful surprise it was to see those things, and yet, when you think about the context, the circumstances that might surround the giving, it makes you stop and remember where you are. I am glad there are art supplies in that shop. I am grateful there are parents, family, and friends who might think to give those to someone in the hospital (or to a young person doing a lot of waiting).
The dragons are very cool.
6. Anything goes
Cottage cheese, spinach, chickpeas… they all made it into the leftover feta tomato pasta this week, the leftovers that become a comforting mac and cheese variant. Funny how this simple dish has continued to be something I make.
There are a few things below… ICAD, the irony of my 100 days of affirmations project (as I move into the final days), and a few weekly bits and pieces. There might also be a challenge.
Thank you for spending a bit of time with me today. Some weeks you need a thumbs up. Here’s to you. 👍 You’ve got this.
Amy
“An old alchemist gave the following consolation to one of his disciples: ‘No matter how isolated you are and how lonely you feel, if you do your work truly and conscientiously, unknown friends will come and seek you.’”
― Carl Jung
Get Out Your Index Cards
Some of you have seen this already, but I posted separately about the Index-Card-A-Day Challenge, which starts June 1 and runs through the end of July. This challenge, known as ICAD, is run by Tammy Garcia. (Links are in the post.)
I am not sure yet of my plans for this year. My mom will be visiting for the first half. There will be other projects on tap, and I know that it is difficult to do a challenge like ICAD and keep up with my illustrated journal at the same time. I’m thinking about it though. In this millisecond, I’m envisioning a collage project… mixed with ink…something super minimal. Who knows. I don’t really have what that takes.
I’m not even sure I can separate ICAD (for me) from portraits at this point. I would like to draw some substack authors though… or even some readers. That could be fun.
I have a number of things I want to work on in coming months, so I don’t know.
But I do encourage all of you to consider ICAD. I am considering it even though I know I probably should not.
Looking back at some of the prior years is always inspiring and nostalgic. In the best of times, doing the index card day challenge has been transformative, and I think so many people count this challenge as an integral and beloved part of their creative energy year to year. I do encourage you to consider it.
In the linked post I share some photos from years past, a video flip-through, links to several old podcasts, and some tips and tricks and tools, assorted things that came to mind as I thought about my experience with ICAD through the years.
The End is Near
I am nearing the end of my 100 Day Project series. With less than 10 days left, I feel mostly sure I will finish at this point. I think I can safely say that, and I am glad to be able to say that. But this week it has felt really challenging to craft my affirmations. I would like to think the final seven will be the most momentous of the bunch, affirmations I’ve been saving until the end. But I don’t work that way. I don’t know what they will be.
I think I might have emptied my affirmations bank.
One of the nights when I was having the most trouble writing my affirmation, I couldn’t help but think of various, sardonic, non-positive statements I might use. (I know there are accounts that do that, but my personal foundation with this affirmations project was rooted in positivity. I have tried (valiantly) to leave the “but” at the door.)
Writing 100 positive statements (that remain authentic to me) over 100 days may have been a much harder task than I imagined. I'm not known for my positivity.
That would be a funny affirmation, actually....
I am known for my positivity.
I embrace positivity.
I exude positivity.
All of those would really be pie-in-the sky, though I still firmly believe that is the whole point.
I might could get away with the positivity one. You would know I am earnest. But here are a few I can't see happening:
I am easy to get along with.
I am surrounded by friends.
I know people genuinely care.
I trust other people (farther than I can throw).
I am good with red tape.
I can still see over my walls.
I keep what I really think well hidden.
I ask for what I need.
I think hard work is rewarded.
I take care of the weeds.
I lived up to my potential.
My writing reaches thousands.
I always see the sunny side.
That kind of list is easy to make. Again, I stubbed my toe on the words negativity bias this week.
One that I know is true…. I show up.
Over and over and over again, I show up. I don’t just show up once a month or once a year, or every blue moon.
I show up.
I show up in countless ways.
I take this as a good thing even though the more I show up, the more people unfollow, unsubscribe, and leave.
What insanity is it to keep showing up?
It is the core of faith, maybe.
It is the sense, always, that maybe the next day will be the right day.
It is the chance for a random connection that isn’t a hand extended and then pulled away as I fall over an edge.
I should separate better.
I should carve cleaner paths and inroads through my words.
I should retrofit my filters, or add new ones.
Do these things (filters) work at all?
Oh yes, indeed, they do!
Inking is Mindful
The one thing I can do again, with this freshly minted phone, is capture process videos and simple moments of creative life. I have been really exhausted in these days, often falling asleep trying to do my things at night (and then not sleeping). The fatigue shows in my journal.
I inked this one morning before work instead of writing. When I wrote the caption though, I realized something I’d never thought about before about how different these processes are for me…. Drawing and writing. (You can click through to read the caption at Instagram.)
Weekly Bits and Pieces
Made It?
Thank you for reading. I appreciate your comments. Let me know what stands out for you, what you think after reading, or where we connect.
What is your affirmation for the week?
What are you currently watching? Do you have a really long (non-scary) series to suggest? I am thinking of rewatching The 100. Or maybe Game of Thrones.
Fireflies or lightning bugs? What did you call them growing up?
Do you have an affirmation to suggest for my final days? Something poetic or a spin on a philosophical line? I’ll give a one-month subscription to a reader with the best suggestion. (It has to be something I haven’t already used.)
I hope there is levity in your day. I hope you laugh at things random, at things misheard, at silly things and shared memories. I hope you make time for an admission here or there, a moment of honesty, of clarity, even as you muddle through with streams of talk about the quotidian. I hope you notice things in windows. I hope you take the stairs. I hope you slow down and listen at regular speed. I hope you snap photos. And, really, if you have to clear your old phone, be careful.
Thank you to those who continue to read and support this space. It means the world.
If you enjoyed the post (or the ICAD post), please share or re-stack. Your shares and recommendations help others find me.
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“showing up” is really where it’s at. Great post with many messages.
I affirm to learn something every day and to find at least one good laugh.
Thanks for thoughtful words.
Coincidentally, I just hit the wrong button and lost my whole comment. Argh!
Here is my suggested affirmation: I am worthy of being recognized for all that I have to offer. Or, My artistic expression is valued, meaningful, and important.
Here are some series I would recommend (and choose) for a watch/re-watch: Deadwood, Buffy, Battlestar Galactica, Lost, Six Feet Under, the original CSI, Schitt’s Creek, Queer Eye, Call the Midwife, Bridgerton, Happy Valley, A Discovery of Witches, Line of Duty, Veronica Mars, Russian Doll, 9-1-1, 9-1-1 Lonestar, and Reservation Dogs
Some things I missed and want to watch are: The Handmaid’s Tale, Person of Interest, Our Flag Means Death, The Office, The Expanse, Ozark, and Supernatural.
I’m currently watching For All Mankind, Under the Bridge, and House of the Dragon (before season 2 drops). I’m also watching the Good Wife, and plan to follow up with the spin offs, The Good Fight and Elsbeth.
I really resonated with your writing about words, said or unsaid, and the comparison with water. I cried a lot Thursday and Friday, I felt like I was drowning. I couldn’t stop the flood and wept in front of people I normally wouldn’t have. A dam broke and I released a torrent of words, held back for years, I don’t know what repairs need to be made.