For all the times your words have made the difference for me or given me comfort i am honoured to have been able return the favour. Your readers, your drawing club members, your family - we are your village, your anchors, your support pillars right now.
I come from just out of Christchurch in New Zealand, you might know we had a major earthquakes here in 2010-2011. It changed life for a lot of us, I still flinch when I see the buildings not yet repaired or the empty spaces where once there was thriving live. I still check where the exits are when I enter a building and really dont like ging into multifloor buildings. But the thing it taught me was that even when everything is broken and feels so strange in a once familiar place, that I will find a new normal. We can put things back together or rebuild in the rubble. Sometimes we take the broken pieces and make something new and beautiful. Many people took the pieces of precious heritage crockery and remade it into jewellery or some other piece of art. There is even a big mosaic chair in our Botanic gardens covered in beautiful old china.
Some things are quicker to fix than others, some things need lots of thought, preparation and planning, some things take courage or support to try again butnone of it can be done according to someone elses timeline, so take your time.
I love the photos you shared, the lens is always a good way to record those little shimmers of life, of happy, of hope.
We are in school holidays here so Im on break for another week. Im hoping to do some sewing and have a go at drawing some things my son has asked for, Woodland creature-post apocolyptic warrior types!! I am not enjoying the cold days but I do like the sunshine after the hard frosts.
Im going to look for some mre curtains for one of my lounge windows tomorrow, just to try as Im not sure if the change will be more problematic than I have now
Thank you, Lisa. I appreciate your insight and how the impact of the earthquakes continue shape your awareness. It is wonderful when pieces can be repurposed and turned into something beautiful and special in that way. I love examples like that. I am okay - and I very much appreciate this space. I hope you enjoy the rest of your school break! I think your son’s request for post-apocalyptic creatures sounds pretty interesting. I hope you have fun doing those. Fingers crossed that new curtains bring the change you are looking for, too. It is interesting how small changes in color or pattern can make a difference. Have a peaceful week.
I was always a little puzzled by “holding space” as a concept, too. I’ll admit I’m puzzled by “leaning in” as well. I wonder if my thinking is just too 2 dimensional for a 3D concept. But having a picture of that Star Wars episode 4 trash compactor has enlightened me on holding space. (I have this scene burned into my brain because I had a puzzle of it as a kid!)
I’m half-way through reading The Lion Women of Tehran by Marjan Kamali and The Lazy Genius Way by Kendra Adachi. Both are excellent!
I just bought my first iPad last week and immediately downloaded software to draw with. I often thought of your 100 day project! All this to say, even though we live far away, your posts have mattered to me and you’re truly inspiring me to document my days.
Keep on keepin’ on —a phrase from my childhood—is my sentiment for you. It’s really the only thing a person can do. Maybe it’s standing still, baby steps, or bursting into the unknown. I wish you well and hope for good things to come your way.
How funny that the Star Wars image clicked for you. That’s great. I don’t really think that is how other people mean holding space….but it is an image and an interpretation that makes sense to me, too. I am excited to hear you are enjoying your new iPad. There are lots of great YouTube channels where you can follow along as you get your bearings if you are using Procreate. I hope you are loving it! Keep on keepin’ on…. Love it. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing Amy. I am always awed by your illustrated journals and love to read your posts here. It’s been a good July for us- we just moved around all the furniture again and I feel we finally settled on how stuff will work in the house. Starting to feel like our home instead of a a house full of boxes. I normally try to break up my reading with some non fiction and different points of view but this summer I’ve solely been working through the Green Rider fantasy series by Kristen Britain. It feels very indulgent but I guess that was the reading I wanted right now. I had downloaded this whole series before I lost access to my last local library overdrive - it is the best part of my old kindle is that the books don’t auto-return for as long as I have the WiFi turned off. This is a good reminder that I need to sign up at the new local library. Have a good week Amy.
Glad you are settling in! I know the feeling so well. But for years now I have been alone in a small space in a beautiful location. Every 2 years I get this feeling it is time to move but the “where” is an issue. The body remembers the frequent relocations.
Speaking of cardboard boxes I would be emptying them and flattening them as movers were still bringing items in from the truck. The faster they were gone the better I could feel about the new place.
When I moved in here I was sure there was something not right in the air. I felt there had been sadness and pain. No matter how I tried it was years before it felt like mine. Perhaps all the losses in my life was what I was really feeling.
Joining the new library is a good way to feel belonging.
Thank you for your beautiful observations Gail! It has been freeing to not feel we have to “save” the boxes for the next move this time! Nice to unpack and feel we won’t be moving again in 3 or less. I tidied most of the boxes and sold them to another family for a small amount. I was glad to know they would be used in another move right away instead of recycled right off.
I am so happy you are settling in, Lauren. Moving the furniture again sounds like a good step as you really sort out the new space. I have not read the Green Rider series! I definitely agree with reading what you need. I tend to read a lot in the sf/fantasy space myself. The Kindle airplane mode thing really is the best. I had to check mine the other day to do that when one of my readalong books was going away and not available for several more weeks. But, yes, go discovery your local library! The summer reading program might be fun for everyone.
I am always here to hold up the wall, for however long you need.
I am about to enter an entirely new space and need to figure out how to make that work. I went yesterday to meet the current owners of the house and some lovely ladies stopped by to welcome me to the neighborhood and exchange phone numbers and it felt so right.
I also love to letter quotes in my journal, but I’m drawing a blank. I’ll keep a collection for you when I come across them.
I am glad to hear that you met people on the new street that were friendly and accessible. That sounds like such a good sign for the coming move! I know there are a lot of steps between now and the move. I hope you just keep writing down those steps and off-roads and crossing them off as you do them. It’s going to be a big change!
Good Morning Amy! I read you often and mean to comment but I am just not as articulate as I would like to be. We all have had numerous losses by this age. No 2 people can feel grief the same way. All we can do is say how much we care and that we are here for each other. I have a friend who helped me at my worst and as things happened I was there for her when her husband died unexpectedly. I researched and read as much as I could on death and dying and grief etc. I took grief courses and attended hospice education to be a volunteer. This also made me feel more comfortable around loss.
I always need to learn about what I am experiencing. It really started when my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimers.
I can not believe it is middle of July. It took so long for summer to come and now we are speeding through it. I need to go visit a few grandkids who don't live here. I have to finish up my dental implant appointments . ($$$) front tooth I can’t do without. Canada now has some dental assistance for seniors and children but most dentists refuse to join in.
I am in limbo dealing with remortgaging my place. A small amount but when you have little income coming in it feels insurmountable. The bank is taking so long I can’t help but think if I had a million door mortgage they might move faster. Hoping to squeeze in a few more years living here.
I always changed my furniture around and painted rooms and added flowers etc. I enjoy making my place look different but it is much more difficult in a small space. I frequently change up the duvet cover to something different. IKEA has some great prices. Mom always said “if your bed is made your room looks tidy. “ I aim for tidy and clean these days and if I can add fresh flowers I am happy! My small art room is a mess but I continue to sort and get rid of stuff. Hoping some more organization can happen there. I gave away all my CDs last week. They sat in a box for so long but I finally got them out the door. Sorting books out to donate as well. Watched a couple of Swedish Death cleaning videos on youtube which inspired me to do more.
I got rid of the 1990’s blinds and removed all window coverings in the living room. I don't need anything there as the trees block any view in most of the year. IKEA had very reasonable accordian blinds for my art room/ 2nd bedroom and one that keeps light out for my bedroom. My son in law installed all of them. I like having windows open and as much light as I can get. Wish I lived close by to help you out. I am so glad your Mom was there for a visit.
I get inspired by looking at open houses and try to get the clean look at home without spending money. I was listening to “Does This clutter make my butt look Fat? By Peter Walsh. He is an organizer and clutter expert from Australia. It is common sense but sometimes an extra boot in the pants gets us going again.
Good luck with the will. Glad you got that done. Do you have dentist or doctor who could sign for you? or a notary. Usually they are cheaper than a lawyer.
Your illustrated journals are superb. I love seeing them. Take care!
My mom and my grandmothers on both sides have me making my bed and ‘zjooshing’ it up first thing since forever. This habit used to involve so many stuffed animal arrangements when I was younger. If your bed is made it does look tidy, it’s a small win, and it’s so nice to crawl into when you need a nap or for another night’s sleep. My whole house could be in shambles but the bed is always made :)
I really hope you get your mortgage questions answered and the dental problem taken care of. I am sure both of those are overwhelming. I love hearing about your windows and your open space approach. I know from your Sunday photos that you always have beautiful flowers, and I love that! I haevn’t fully read, but I started one time, the Swedish book on death-cleaning, and I think it’s such an important mindset. Kudos on getting rid of the CDs. I’ve got similar boxes. I’m glad you got them out the door. Have a good week.
These are hard days, Amy. I'm glad your mom was able and willing to stay on longer with you, and as someone who is trying to extract herself from feeling overcommitted, I'm quietly celebrating the fact that you didn't do everything you thought you would. That has me hoping you were tuning in with what the moments brought, which feels right somehow.
I appreciate the honesty of admitting that certain buzz phrases don't click for you. I sometimes wrestle with that, too, while also falling into the trap of using them without first making sure I'm clear on their meaning. For me, holding space is another way of saying I hear you (or I see you), and though there's not much I can do to make a difference, your feelings/experiences are valid. Might be better to just say all that, though. :)
The window in the trees takes my breath away. All logic aside, for me it feels like a reminder that there is more here than we can fully grasp, but that life still occasionally gives us clues.
Mid-July is brutally hot, and even though I have vegetables coming in, and pretty flowers in bloom, I have a hard time being appreciative.
I'm reading (listening) to Four Thousand Weeks. Was it you who recommended it?
I really hope you get some cooling. Thank you - I think I loosely interpret holding space much like you’ve described it, too. I had planned to talked about Four Thousand Weeks (and a related website) last month, but I changed gears when thinking about limited weeks felt too close right now. I may have mentioned the title though. I had it checked out (but haven’t read it before). I hope it was worth the read? I am glad you appreciated the window photo. ❤️
Before I read the intro, I thought I saw what I saw, and had to zoom in: Yes! A portal in the trees. Stunning. Even if you know the physics — and sometimes especially so, though I’m a blank on this one — the world is full of mystery and wonder. And it’s a rare moment when you can say such a thing without gagging on cliche and hyperbole. So glad I cleared a space today for you.
For the uncurling and unfurling.
2
My life is full of cryptic notes to self. While they tend to the abstract and analytical, and, except for the periodic rants, do not serve as a chronicle, I recently came across an old log — an unintentional journal of days. In the antediluvian world (before texting), my partner and I left a notebook on the counter to keep each other updated. The entries don’t mark a particular day and time, but instantly take me back to that kitchen, those dogs. My favorite: “Do not listen to their lies. They have been fed.”
3
I love your sense of space, from the trash compactor, to the field with sagging corner posts and rusted wire, to the the fragile shoebox of a life caving in. All the dissolution and resilience — fear and surrender and glimmer — all at once.
I also love the link between holding space and being seen. When I first learned the concept, it was in response to feeling utterly lost in grief or other darkness, and it came this way: “I’ll hold joy for you,” or wonder, or peace, or even a sense of clarity or purpose. As in “It’s ok that you’ve lost that right now. I’ve got enough for both of us. I’ll hang onto it until you’re ready to come back for it. As in: It’s not lost forever. As in: You have no obligation to feel this or put this out there or do anything that might seem expected of you right now. Go ahead and grieve, rage, doubt. These things from The Before will be here waiting for you.”
At least that’s how it sounded to me. Odd that I just accepted and offered this without defining or interrogating it. Perhaps these ideas resonate when regular words do not, when understandings of time and self are distorted. When the walls are closing in.
4
You do know people. Even if they are mysterious virtual pen pals. And even as others unsubscribe or disappear in a thousand other ways.
Nothing eases the brutal flight of friends that follows any serious illness or loss. But here’s a practical-tactical offer I’ve (sort of) made before: I’d be happy to make the quick drive over to your foggy coast and serve as a witness. Or go for a walk. Or help sort things. No awkward banter required.
I suspect this will seem too invasive or overwhelming or just generally ridiculous. Even the most casual of introverts, much less a hermit like me, would flat out refuse. Plus, it’s totally beside the point. (And unsolicited! Grrr!) But please know that I would welcome the chance to lend a more corporeal hand.
And that there are people out here holding space for you, regardless of time and distance and the laws of physics. Picture one of us sitting quietly, perhaps out on the stoop (ballast, again), while you drift through haunted doorways inside. Or that window in the trees.
It has been such a gift in this year to have connected with a mysterious pen pal. I thank you for your offer, laughing even as you play it off. I am touched that you would say that. And, before, daisies. ❤️ — I love the book of cryptic notes you used to use and keep. An efficient system, and one that leaves intriguing crumbs for later, it seems. Those dogs. I do not know what halls you wander or how near or far in time, but I hope there is solace, and peace, and things to laugh about in the present. I am glad you saw the window — it seems now to be a fixture…. I am glad you and others had some reaction to that floating portal. While I don’t remember The Secret Garden, the title (and concept) comes to mind. I like the “I’ll hold ‘x’ for you “ version…. That’s a comforting way to think about things—and beautiful to be offered. I think your summary is similar to how it made sense to me when Lisa made her comment. Thank you for clearing space and pacing the perimeter with me.
" The illustrated journal is an indulgence in process" is a powerful statement. I agree 1000%. Whether it's drawing a little or writing a little, those marks mark time and memories, too. I write things in my daily devotional, and notice what I've written in years past. The continuity of my heart and mind's growth are marked with those marks. My heart was with you while reading your pure words. Thank you for sharing this powerful experience you're in. Your thoughts and feelings ring true in a subtle, undercurrent kind of way for me.
Thank you so much for reading and for your comment. I love how I think many of us who keep illustrated journals of any sort have similar thoughts about their importance of the personal record (for us). As I write this, I think it’s your birthday, and I hope it was a wonderful day.
Thank you, Melissa. I am so glad you are enjoying Big Magic. I listened to the podcast series she did, years ago, and it was great. I hope the muse visits often.
I really love that window in the tree. Those little magical bits in everyday life. Also your description of journals holding space. Something powerful and comforting we can reach for and create for ourselves. Mid-July feels like it is getting busy… distracting… crowding into my brain… maybe a good time to reach for the quiet, grounding space of a journal. Thank you for sharing your words this week. I am late as usual in commenting. I do like to listen and read and sit with them through the week. They are always thought provoking and beautiful. (“Sit with” words…is that another phrase like “holding space”?)
For all the times your words have made the difference for me or given me comfort i am honoured to have been able return the favour. Your readers, your drawing club members, your family - we are your village, your anchors, your support pillars right now.
I come from just out of Christchurch in New Zealand, you might know we had a major earthquakes here in 2010-2011. It changed life for a lot of us, I still flinch when I see the buildings not yet repaired or the empty spaces where once there was thriving live. I still check where the exits are when I enter a building and really dont like ging into multifloor buildings. But the thing it taught me was that even when everything is broken and feels so strange in a once familiar place, that I will find a new normal. We can put things back together or rebuild in the rubble. Sometimes we take the broken pieces and make something new and beautiful. Many people took the pieces of precious heritage crockery and remade it into jewellery or some other piece of art. There is even a big mosaic chair in our Botanic gardens covered in beautiful old china.
Some things are quicker to fix than others, some things need lots of thought, preparation and planning, some things take courage or support to try again butnone of it can be done according to someone elses timeline, so take your time.
I love the photos you shared, the lens is always a good way to record those little shimmers of life, of happy, of hope.
We are in school holidays here so Im on break for another week. Im hoping to do some sewing and have a go at drawing some things my son has asked for, Woodland creature-post apocolyptic warrior types!! I am not enjoying the cold days but I do like the sunshine after the hard frosts.
Im going to look for some mre curtains for one of my lounge windows tomorrow, just to try as Im not sure if the change will be more problematic than I have now
Thank you, Lisa. I appreciate your insight and how the impact of the earthquakes continue shape your awareness. It is wonderful when pieces can be repurposed and turned into something beautiful and special in that way. I love examples like that. I am okay - and I very much appreciate this space. I hope you enjoy the rest of your school break! I think your son’s request for post-apocalyptic creatures sounds pretty interesting. I hope you have fun doing those. Fingers crossed that new curtains bring the change you are looking for, too. It is interesting how small changes in color or pattern can make a difference. Have a peaceful week.
I was always a little puzzled by “holding space” as a concept, too. I’ll admit I’m puzzled by “leaning in” as well. I wonder if my thinking is just too 2 dimensional for a 3D concept. But having a picture of that Star Wars episode 4 trash compactor has enlightened me on holding space. (I have this scene burned into my brain because I had a puzzle of it as a kid!)
I’m half-way through reading The Lion Women of Tehran by Marjan Kamali and The Lazy Genius Way by Kendra Adachi. Both are excellent!
I just bought my first iPad last week and immediately downloaded software to draw with. I often thought of your 100 day project! All this to say, even though we live far away, your posts have mattered to me and you’re truly inspiring me to document my days.
Keep on keepin’ on —a phrase from my childhood—is my sentiment for you. It’s really the only thing a person can do. Maybe it’s standing still, baby steps, or bursting into the unknown. I wish you well and hope for good things to come your way.
How funny that the Star Wars image clicked for you. That’s great. I don’t really think that is how other people mean holding space….but it is an image and an interpretation that makes sense to me, too. I am excited to hear you are enjoying your new iPad. There are lots of great YouTube channels where you can follow along as you get your bearings if you are using Procreate. I hope you are loving it! Keep on keepin’ on…. Love it. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing Amy. I am always awed by your illustrated journals and love to read your posts here. It’s been a good July for us- we just moved around all the furniture again and I feel we finally settled on how stuff will work in the house. Starting to feel like our home instead of a a house full of boxes. I normally try to break up my reading with some non fiction and different points of view but this summer I’ve solely been working through the Green Rider fantasy series by Kristen Britain. It feels very indulgent but I guess that was the reading I wanted right now. I had downloaded this whole series before I lost access to my last local library overdrive - it is the best part of my old kindle is that the books don’t auto-return for as long as I have the WiFi turned off. This is a good reminder that I need to sign up at the new local library. Have a good week Amy.
Glad you are settling in! I know the feeling so well. But for years now I have been alone in a small space in a beautiful location. Every 2 years I get this feeling it is time to move but the “where” is an issue. The body remembers the frequent relocations.
Speaking of cardboard boxes I would be emptying them and flattening them as movers were still bringing items in from the truck. The faster they were gone the better I could feel about the new place.
When I moved in here I was sure there was something not right in the air. I felt there had been sadness and pain. No matter how I tried it was years before it felt like mine. Perhaps all the losses in my life was what I was really feeling.
Joining the new library is a good way to feel belonging.
Thank you for your beautiful observations Gail! It has been freeing to not feel we have to “save” the boxes for the next move this time! Nice to unpack and feel we won’t be moving again in 3 or less. I tidied most of the boxes and sold them to another family for a small amount. I was glad to know they would be used in another move right away instead of recycled right off.
I am so happy you are settling in, Lauren. Moving the furniture again sounds like a good step as you really sort out the new space. I have not read the Green Rider series! I definitely agree with reading what you need. I tend to read a lot in the sf/fantasy space myself. The Kindle airplane mode thing really is the best. I had to check mine the other day to do that when one of my readalong books was going away and not available for several more weeks. But, yes, go discovery your local library! The summer reading program might be fun for everyone.
I am always here to hold up the wall, for however long you need.
I am about to enter an entirely new space and need to figure out how to make that work. I went yesterday to meet the current owners of the house and some lovely ladies stopped by to welcome me to the neighborhood and exchange phone numbers and it felt so right.
I also love to letter quotes in my journal, but I’m drawing a blank. I’ll keep a collection for you when I come across them.
Congrats on the new space :) I need to draw and catch up someday soon.
I am glad to hear that you met people on the new street that were friendly and accessible. That sounds like such a good sign for the coming move! I know there are a lot of steps between now and the move. I hope you just keep writing down those steps and off-roads and crossing them off as you do them. It’s going to be a big change!
Good Morning Amy! I read you often and mean to comment but I am just not as articulate as I would like to be. We all have had numerous losses by this age. No 2 people can feel grief the same way. All we can do is say how much we care and that we are here for each other. I have a friend who helped me at my worst and as things happened I was there for her when her husband died unexpectedly. I researched and read as much as I could on death and dying and grief etc. I took grief courses and attended hospice education to be a volunteer. This also made me feel more comfortable around loss.
I always need to learn about what I am experiencing. It really started when my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimers.
I can not believe it is middle of July. It took so long for summer to come and now we are speeding through it. I need to go visit a few grandkids who don't live here. I have to finish up my dental implant appointments . ($$$) front tooth I can’t do without. Canada now has some dental assistance for seniors and children but most dentists refuse to join in.
I am in limbo dealing with remortgaging my place. A small amount but when you have little income coming in it feels insurmountable. The bank is taking so long I can’t help but think if I had a million door mortgage they might move faster. Hoping to squeeze in a few more years living here.
I always changed my furniture around and painted rooms and added flowers etc. I enjoy making my place look different but it is much more difficult in a small space. I frequently change up the duvet cover to something different. IKEA has some great prices. Mom always said “if your bed is made your room looks tidy. “ I aim for tidy and clean these days and if I can add fresh flowers I am happy! My small art room is a mess but I continue to sort and get rid of stuff. Hoping some more organization can happen there. I gave away all my CDs last week. They sat in a box for so long but I finally got them out the door. Sorting books out to donate as well. Watched a couple of Swedish Death cleaning videos on youtube which inspired me to do more.
I got rid of the 1990’s blinds and removed all window coverings in the living room. I don't need anything there as the trees block any view in most of the year. IKEA had very reasonable accordian blinds for my art room/ 2nd bedroom and one that keeps light out for my bedroom. My son in law installed all of them. I like having windows open and as much light as I can get. Wish I lived close by to help you out. I am so glad your Mom was there for a visit.
I get inspired by looking at open houses and try to get the clean look at home without spending money. I was listening to “Does This clutter make my butt look Fat? By Peter Walsh. He is an organizer and clutter expert from Australia. It is common sense but sometimes an extra boot in the pants gets us going again.
Good luck with the will. Glad you got that done. Do you have dentist or doctor who could sign for you? or a notary. Usually they are cheaper than a lawyer.
Your illustrated journals are superb. I love seeing them. Take care!
My mom and my grandmothers on both sides have me making my bed and ‘zjooshing’ it up first thing since forever. This habit used to involve so many stuffed animal arrangements when I was younger. If your bed is made it does look tidy, it’s a small win, and it’s so nice to crawl into when you need a nap or for another night’s sleep. My whole house could be in shambles but the bed is always made :)
I really hope you get your mortgage questions answered and the dental problem taken care of. I am sure both of those are overwhelming. I love hearing about your windows and your open space approach. I know from your Sunday photos that you always have beautiful flowers, and I love that! I haevn’t fully read, but I started one time, the Swedish book on death-cleaning, and I think it’s such an important mindset. Kudos on getting rid of the CDs. I’ve got similar boxes. I’m glad you got them out the door. Have a good week.
These are hard days, Amy. I'm glad your mom was able and willing to stay on longer with you, and as someone who is trying to extract herself from feeling overcommitted, I'm quietly celebrating the fact that you didn't do everything you thought you would. That has me hoping you were tuning in with what the moments brought, which feels right somehow.
I appreciate the honesty of admitting that certain buzz phrases don't click for you. I sometimes wrestle with that, too, while also falling into the trap of using them without first making sure I'm clear on their meaning. For me, holding space is another way of saying I hear you (or I see you), and though there's not much I can do to make a difference, your feelings/experiences are valid. Might be better to just say all that, though. :)
The window in the trees takes my breath away. All logic aside, for me it feels like a reminder that there is more here than we can fully grasp, but that life still occasionally gives us clues.
Mid-July is brutally hot, and even though I have vegetables coming in, and pretty flowers in bloom, I have a hard time being appreciative.
I'm reading (listening) to Four Thousand Weeks. Was it you who recommended it?
💛
I really hope you get some cooling. Thank you - I think I loosely interpret holding space much like you’ve described it, too. I had planned to talked about Four Thousand Weeks (and a related website) last month, but I changed gears when thinking about limited weeks felt too close right now. I may have mentioned the title though. I had it checked out (but haven’t read it before). I hope it was worth the read? I am glad you appreciated the window photo. ❤️
1
Omg that opening photograph!
Before I read the intro, I thought I saw what I saw, and had to zoom in: Yes! A portal in the trees. Stunning. Even if you know the physics — and sometimes especially so, though I’m a blank on this one — the world is full of mystery and wonder. And it’s a rare moment when you can say such a thing without gagging on cliche and hyperbole. So glad I cleared a space today for you.
For the uncurling and unfurling.
2
My life is full of cryptic notes to self. While they tend to the abstract and analytical, and, except for the periodic rants, do not serve as a chronicle, I recently came across an old log — an unintentional journal of days. In the antediluvian world (before texting), my partner and I left a notebook on the counter to keep each other updated. The entries don’t mark a particular day and time, but instantly take me back to that kitchen, those dogs. My favorite: “Do not listen to their lies. They have been fed.”
3
I love your sense of space, from the trash compactor, to the field with sagging corner posts and rusted wire, to the the fragile shoebox of a life caving in. All the dissolution and resilience — fear and surrender and glimmer — all at once.
I also love the link between holding space and being seen. When I first learned the concept, it was in response to feeling utterly lost in grief or other darkness, and it came this way: “I’ll hold joy for you,” or wonder, or peace, or even a sense of clarity or purpose. As in “It’s ok that you’ve lost that right now. I’ve got enough for both of us. I’ll hang onto it until you’re ready to come back for it. As in: It’s not lost forever. As in: You have no obligation to feel this or put this out there or do anything that might seem expected of you right now. Go ahead and grieve, rage, doubt. These things from The Before will be here waiting for you.”
At least that’s how it sounded to me. Odd that I just accepted and offered this without defining or interrogating it. Perhaps these ideas resonate when regular words do not, when understandings of time and self are distorted. When the walls are closing in.
4
You do know people. Even if they are mysterious virtual pen pals. And even as others unsubscribe or disappear in a thousand other ways.
Nothing eases the brutal flight of friends that follows any serious illness or loss. But here’s a practical-tactical offer I’ve (sort of) made before: I’d be happy to make the quick drive over to your foggy coast and serve as a witness. Or go for a walk. Or help sort things. No awkward banter required.
I suspect this will seem too invasive or overwhelming or just generally ridiculous. Even the most casual of introverts, much less a hermit like me, would flat out refuse. Plus, it’s totally beside the point. (And unsolicited! Grrr!) But please know that I would welcome the chance to lend a more corporeal hand.
And that there are people out here holding space for you, regardless of time and distance and the laws of physics. Picture one of us sitting quietly, perhaps out on the stoop (ballast, again), while you drift through haunted doorways inside. Or that window in the trees.
It has been such a gift in this year to have connected with a mysterious pen pal. I thank you for your offer, laughing even as you play it off. I am touched that you would say that. And, before, daisies. ❤️ — I love the book of cryptic notes you used to use and keep. An efficient system, and one that leaves intriguing crumbs for later, it seems. Those dogs. I do not know what halls you wander or how near or far in time, but I hope there is solace, and peace, and things to laugh about in the present. I am glad you saw the window — it seems now to be a fixture…. I am glad you and others had some reaction to that floating portal. While I don’t remember The Secret Garden, the title (and concept) comes to mind. I like the “I’ll hold ‘x’ for you “ version…. That’s a comforting way to think about things—and beautiful to be offered. I think your summary is similar to how it made sense to me when Lisa made her comment. Thank you for clearing space and pacing the perimeter with me.
" The illustrated journal is an indulgence in process" is a powerful statement. I agree 1000%. Whether it's drawing a little or writing a little, those marks mark time and memories, too. I write things in my daily devotional, and notice what I've written in years past. The continuity of my heart and mind's growth are marked with those marks. My heart was with you while reading your pure words. Thank you for sharing this powerful experience you're in. Your thoughts and feelings ring true in a subtle, undercurrent kind of way for me.
Thank you so much for reading and for your comment. I love how I think many of us who keep illustrated journals of any sort have similar thoughts about their importance of the personal record (for us). As I write this, I think it’s your birthday, and I hope it was a wonderful day.
Thanks, Amy! Write on! 😄
I'm picturing us all holding hands around a space that we are filling with love for you . ❤️❤️❤️
I'm currently reading Big Magic and trying to notice the creativity muse when they visit me! 🎉
Thank you, Melissa. I am so glad you are enjoying Big Magic. I listened to the podcast series she did, years ago, and it was great. I hope the muse visits often.
I really love that window in the tree. Those little magical bits in everyday life. Also your description of journals holding space. Something powerful and comforting we can reach for and create for ourselves. Mid-July feels like it is getting busy… distracting… crowding into my brain… maybe a good time to reach for the quiet, grounding space of a journal. Thank you for sharing your words this week. I am late as usual in commenting. I do like to listen and read and sit with them through the week. They are always thought provoking and beautiful. (“Sit with” words…is that another phrase like “holding space”?)
Thank you, Erin. “Sit with” is a good one. I hope that the busy summer season is going well and that you are enjoying your current projects, too.